They say death is but a doorway, an entrance to another state of being. A threshold everyone must cross at some point in his or her lives. On a cold blustery January day in 1998 that doorway opened for me.

I was leaning back, relaxing in my favorite reclining chair. You know the kind of chair, the old dilapidated fake leather kind that has duct tape covering a gash down the armrest keeping the white padded stuffing from spilling out. The one you should have gotten rid of a long time ago but for some reason can’t. You know the one.

I was sitting in my chair, depressed, drinking a glass of root beer thinking about sex. It had been so long since I had felt the warmth of another human being lying beside me. At least six months give or take a few hours. I remembered the last time as though it was yesterday. Judy was her name, or at least that is what she said it was. I called her through an ad in the yellow pages for an escort service. She was a short, blond girl of unremarkable beauty. She was a little chubby. She was by no means ugly but she defiantly wasn’t supermodel material. She had a nose and lip piercing and a menagerie of tattoos covering her arms. To be completely honest I didn’t really care what she looked like, only that she would spend some time with me. When I talked to her on the phone she seemed like she was in a haze, stoned perhaps. She spoke very slowly in a slight southern drawl. She said she would come over and take care of me for $300. She came and so did I.

I’ve never been much of a looker. In fact I consider myself to be down right homely. I’m short, skinny to the point of being frail and I have had a bad case of acne that no matter what I do never seems to go away. At 15 pimples are embarrassing but at 32 it’s just pathetic. I’ve never had a real girlfriend. Not even any real friends. I knew from an early age that I was destined to live a lonely life. I lost my virginity at 25 to a prostitute I picked up in New York City. I saw her in an alley and figured I might as well go for it. We did it behind a dumpster and I could tell she was grossed out by me but $20 is $20 and she must have really needed the money. Besides she didn’t have to work very hard, it only lasted a few seconds. After it was over I stopped at a coffee shop to reflect on what had just happened. I had finally lost my cherry. I should have been happy. It didn’t feel like I thought it would. Don’t get me wrong the pleasure was there however it just left me feeling more lonely and depressed than I was before.

I have always dreamed of having a real girlfriend, someone to talk to, to hold, and to touch, someone to laugh with and hold hands with. I see love and happiness all around me but somehow happiness is a meal not fit to be served to someone like me. I’m not even looking for a meal. An appetizer would suffice.

For me it is an endless string of lonely nights in front of the TV watching people smile and be happy. Every so often I try to go out, maybe meet someone but it never works out. The stares and giggles from people hurt me deeper than they could ever know. I live a life of solitude.

Every so often when the loneliness drives me to the point of utter despair and I need someone, I pick up the phone and call an escort service and order a friend.

That’s what I did on that night, the night the doorway opened for me.

I sat my root beer down on the little table next to my chair and picked up the phone book. I had been debating for the last hour whether I should call or not. I opened the yellow pages to the section of escorts and picked one at random.

“Hello Hon”, said the sexy voice on the phone.

“Hi”, I said nervously. I had done this a dozen times and I still get nervous.

“You looking for some fun, Hun”, she said.

“Yes I am”

“Well you called the right place. Would you like me to tell you about myself?”

“Yes….sure”

“Well I’m tall, about 5’10”. I have very long sexy legs. I weigh around 120 pounds. I have long black hair that reaches down in front of me all the way to my dark brown nipples. They are always hard, very sensitive and like to be sucked. My breasts are a 38DD. My pussy is clean-shaven. Mmmmm. I’m touching it right now. It’s very wet. Do you like what you are hearing?”

“Yes. What kind of things do you do?”

“Well, pretty much anything. I do a great masturbation show with or without toys. I do straight sex, anal sex, I love to suck cock and eat cum, I’m probably the best lay in the city.”

My cock immediately began pressing against the front of my jeans. It felt slightly painful and yet exhilarating.

“You still there”, she asked.

“Yeah, will you hang out and talk with me too?”

“Sure honey, you feeling lonely?”

“Yeah….how much do you cost”

“$500. But I’m promise that I’m well worth it.”

“Ok”, I said.

“Alright baby. Now tell me where I have to come”

“Benson Street. There is a small apartment building on the end of the cul de sac. I’m in apartment 4, upstairs”

“I’ll be there in about 30 minutes honey”

“Sounds good”

“Bye”

She hung up the phone and I sat there with the phone book covering my erection. After a few minutes I got up and began to pace the room. I always get nervous before the girl comes over. I immediately begin to doubt myself. I want to just pick the phone up and cancel. When I open the door will she look at me and leave? Will I disgust her? That is my biggest fear, that I would get rejected by the only group of people that will have anything to do with me. If that were to happen I would probably go right into my bathroom, slit my wrists and take a long hot bath.

As I paced around my apartment I noticed a slightly rotten smell. I smelled my underarms and ran to the bathroom to paint on a fresh coat of deodorant. I look in the mirror at my reflection and hate what I see. Ugliness. If I were a girl I probably would never look at me either. I am truly hideous. Maybe I should just slash my wrists. Get it over with. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the rejection.

I left the bathroom and walked towards the living room. I pass empty walls, walls that should be full of life. I have no pictures up. Why would I? They only person I know is me and I don’t want to look at me any more than I have too. I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Ugh. That’s where the smell is coming from. I’ll have to clean the refrigerator later. I take out a can of root beer and crack the top. I take two large gulps and set the can on the counter.

“Why do I do this”, I ask standing in front of the open refrigerator.

I go back to the living room and sit in the chair and wait.

In these moments before the girls arrive I sit and think about my life. I remember even at an early age I was ugly. I remember in first grade my parents moved us to the city. I had to change schools midway through the year. It was the middle of winter and it was cold. The first day I was going to the new school I was outside at the bus stop waiting for the bus to take me there. I had a black ski mask covering my face shielding it from the bitter cold. My mom insisted that I wear the mask anytime I was outside.

“You don’t need to get any frostbite on that face”, she said barely holding back the contempt she felt for me.

“Ok mom”, I said looking at her feeling love, but receiving none in return.

When the bus pulled up I turned towards the apartment building and looked to see if she was watching me leave for my first day at my new school. The window was empty.

I stepped up onto the bus and began walking the aisle to find an empty seat. There was one about halfway back behind two girls who looked to be a few years older than me. They were too interested in their conversation to notice me walk past them. I sat down in the seat and looked around. All the kids had removed their hats and gloves and were busy talking to each other. I figured it was warm enough in the bus. I rolled my ski mask up.

The girls in front of me were babbling about some new dance they were learning. One of them happened to turn around and glance at me. I smiled at her. She didn’t return my smile. She quickly turned towards her friend. There was whispering between them and giggling. The one that noticed me turned around and said:

“Jesus Christ, put back on that mask, you’re fucking ugly”

“Yeah your nasty”, the other one, “I feel sick just looking at you,”

Their giggling turned into a loud laugh. Soon everyone on the bus was looking at me and laughing.

I pulled the mask back down.

I looked down at my lap and began to cry.

I hear a knock at the door and knew it was her. Who else would it be? I jump off the chair and go to the door. I nervously look out the peephole and see a beautiful face staring back at me. She is gorgeous, by far the most attractive one so far. Maybe I should just pretend I’m not here. She is much too pretty to be with me. I can smell the rejection through the door.

She knocks again, this time harder.

I slowly open the door and look at her. This is the point when they look at me and I can tell they want to leave. Just turn around and run down the stairs, run anywhere, be anywhere but here. They never do, but it is all over their face.

“Hi Hun” she says smiling, no noticeable trace of disgust.

Her beauty takes me aback. She is just as she described herself on the phone.

“Well sugar can I come in?”

“Sorry, come in”, I reply.

She steps in and walks past me smiling, carrying a large black bag in her left hand.

“Thank you”, she says.

I close the door and turn around.

She is standing in front of my chair looking at me, a smile on her face. She doesn’t seem to be troubled by my appearance at all.

I could just look at her all night.

She has a large black bag in her left hand.

“How are you doing tonight?” She asks.

“Ok”

“Just ok, well in few minutes you’ll be more than ok”, she says smiling seductively.

“Do you have the money?”

“Yes, let me get it.”

“You don’t have to get it yet. You can get it when we are done.”

“Ok”

“Now where would you like to do this?”

“Uh…….The bedroom probably”

“Sounds good to me, lead the way”

I walk towards her and turn right. There is a short hallway to my bedroom. On the left is a door to the bathroom, on the right is a closet and at the end of the hall is my room.

I reach in my room and turn on the light. It is a very small bedroom, just big enough for a bed and a dresser. The walls in there are as bare as they are in the hallway.

She steps past me and walks to the bed. She sets her bag down on the floor and sits on the edge of the bed.

She looks at me and pats the bed beside her with her right hand.

I walk to her and sit down.

“My name is Raquel. What kind of fun things do you have in mind for us?”

My mouth is very dry. Usually they just strip and bend over and let me do my business.

“Uh, I thought that maybe we could have sex.”

“Well duh honey. How did you want to do it? Doggy, you on top, me on top.”

I hate doggy. Every other girl wanted to do it this way. Probably so they wouldn’t have to look at me.

“You on top would be good”

“Would you like me to suck your dick too?”

“Yeah”, I say. No other girl has ever done that for me.

“I can do that. Would you like to cum on my face?”

“Yeah”

I had seen many porno movies where this happens and always wondered what it was like.

“Sound like fun”, she says.

“Can I use your bathroom to get ready?”

“Um sure, it’s right on the right in the hallway.”

“Thank you, I’ll be right back”

She stands up and picks up her bag and steps towards the hallway. She stops abruptly and turns around.

“Before I get ready can you do something for me?”

“Sure, what do you want me to do?”

“Can you take your dick out so I can get a look at what I’m going to be working with?”

The way she says this is so sexy. I’ve never had a woman speak to me like this. All the other ones basically just wanted to get the money, get the act over with and get out.

I look down at my lap. My penis is very hard. I can feel it pushing against the front of my pants.

“You’re a shy one. I’ll help you.” She says walking towards me.

She crouches down in front of me still holding the bag in her hand and pushes me flat against the bed. She unbuttons my pants and unzips my zipper. She grabs hold of my pants and underwear and I raise my hips off the bed to help her as she pulls them off.

My penis springs out fully engorged.

“Very nice”, she says before taking it into her mouth.

She deep throats it all the way to the base and then releases it from her mouth and stands up.

“I’m going to have fun with that”, she says pointing at my penis.

I feel like I’m going to explode. It was so warm and wet, much different than wearing a condom. I probably would have if she had continued for another much longer.

She turns around and leaves the room.

I lie there in bed and think about how different she is from all the other ones. She doesn’t seem bothered by me at all. Is it too early for me to feel this way? I think I’m in love.

High school was a horrible experience for me. I had no friends. I would eat lunch alone in the corner of the cafeteria praying that I could get through the day without crying. I think the teachers even hated me. I would go days without talking to anyone. I was a loser. I knew it and so did everyone else. When senior pictures came out I didn’t bother getting them taken. There was no point. Nobody bothered to give me one of theirs either. Guys that were “doing me a favor and trying to fix my face” beat me up on a consistent basis. I could take the beatings they were much better than what I got from the girls. The girls in school had been brutal. Even the girls that the guys would call dogs would pick on me. The girls in my grade put together a list of best looking males in our class and ranked them 1-52. No need to guess who was 52. The girls were much worse to deal with than the guys. The pain of getting hit goes away. The bruises fade. The way the girls made me feel never left.

“Still hard I see”, she says standing in the doorway looking at me.

She is completely naked and she is perfect. I can smell her perfume from where I am laying. It smells wonderful. She walks towards me still carrying her bag. She sets the bag down and does a little dance for me. She shakes her hips back and forth and rubs her nipples. She is so hot. She lifts a breast up and licks the nipple with her tongue.

She tells me to close my eyes and I obey. I can hear her unzip her bag. I can hear her rummaging around.

Suddenly I feel her hand on my penis……sliding a condom on.

I open my eyes and she looks like an angel. I am truly and deeply in love with her.

I am lying on the bed with my legs hanging off to the floor.

She crawls on top of me and reaches down and puts me into her. The feeling is intense. She leans over starts to kiss me. I’ve never kissed a girl before so I try to copy what she is doing. I dart my tongue in and out of hers. She starts to move up and down slowly at first and then faster. She sits up and puts her breasts in my face.

“Suck on my nipples”, she says gasping for breath.

I take her nipple into my mouth and flick it back and forth with my tongue. She moans and begins to grind against me faster. It’s never been like this before.

I start to moan and she says:

“Are you going to cum?”

“Yes”, I reply.

She stops moving and gets off of me. She positions herself between my legs and removes the condom. She licks the head of my penis and then runs her tongue along the shaft. She then puts me in her mouth and begins to suck in short deliberate strokes, each one getting deeper. The pleasure is intense. I concentrate on the pleasure and can barely hear her reaching into her bag again. It feels so good. So warm and wet. It feels like love. Suddenly I hear a buzzing sound and look down to see her touching my balls with a vibrator. I explode into her mouth and she continues to suck until she has me dry.

I lay there completely unable to move. It is the single most gratifying sexual experience in my life. She turns off the vibrator and sets it on the edge of the bed. She stands up and smiles at me again.

“So how was that, was it worth the money”

I nod unable to catch my breath.

“Good I enjoyed it too”

“I’m going to go get dressed and then we can talk”

“Ok”

I looked at her leaving the room and knew I felt love. For the first time in my life I felt real love.

I sit up and when I do I knock her vibrator to the floor. When I bend over to pick it up I see her black bag sitting there next to my legs. I wonder what else is in the bag. Curiosity gets the better of me and I reach down towards the bag and then I hear it a sound. I hear her in the kitchen opening the refrigerator door.

I reach under my bed and then run towards the living room. Before I get there she lets out a loud scream.

I stand at the entrance to the kitchen and look in at her. She is standing in front of the refrigerator naked and shaking. There is a pool of vomit on the floor between her legs. The door to the refrigerator is wide open and I can see Judy’s rotted severed head sitting on the top shelf.

Raquel looks at with the look of disgust and terror in her eyes, the look I expected when she first walked in the door.

I shift the butcher knife from my left hand to my right.

I smile at her. My new love.

“Don’t be jealous. That’s just Judy. She was my last girl. I had planned on getting rid of her tonight.”

“Don’t hurt me please”, she said crying.

“Hurt you. I won’t hurt you. I love you. When you walked in here I felt it. Love. I think you did too”

“Please….Noooo”

“Nobody’s ever made me feel like you do. Nobody. Judy never did. Sure I appreciate her keeping me company for the last six months but in the end she turned rotten. I can’t even have a decent conversation with her without getting sick to my stomach. You will be my new friend. You will keep me company. I promise I will take care of you.”

“Please….don’t hurt me. I won’t tell anyone…please”, she says between sobs.

“I love you”

She continues to sob.

“I love you”

“I LOVE YOU”, I shout stepping towards her.

Terror grabs a hold of her tightly and she grabs the only thing around her she could grab, the severed head. She picks it up by its matted hair and holds it above her head. Maggots fall out of its rotted nose and land in the vomit between her legs.

“Together we will get rid of that tonight. I have no more need for it. She never meant that much to me anyway”

I reach out to grab her and she swings the head at me, underhand like a softball pitcher.

I can feel Judy’s wet decomposed forehead connect with my balls. The pain is horrible.

“Ughhhh”, I mutter dropping the knife and falling to my knees.

I couldn’t breathe. The pain was excruciating. I reached down and took a hold of my aching testicles in my hand.

Judy’s head has landed right below me. The blow has pretty much destroyed what was left of her face. I bend down and give her a kiss, a last kiss to a good friend and that’s when I feel the blade sliding in and out of my back. The sound of the knife being pulled from my body reminds me of sitting on the school bus as a child crying. The wet smack of loneliness and failure.

They say death is but a doorway, an entrance to another state of being. A threshold everyone must cross at some point in his or her lives. The door opened for me that night. The light on the other side of the door was bright. I squinted my eyes and stepped through the door into the light, into the unknown. I have many friends where I am now. I don’t wear a mask anymore. I don’t have to. It’s far too hot here.